Uncharted and “unheard” Pilgrimages, murmuring from within

With the Tarot as a road companion

I would like here to introduce Martine’s account which she wrote after having received a Tarot reading whose purpose was to shed light upon her subconscious needs to repeat the same patterns in her love life. Martine shares in her narrative with great generosity the pilgrimage she went on in June, accompanied by her Tarot reading and the breakthroughs along the way, which allow her now to experience her love relationships through daily life with more lucidity as to the challenges it might raise.


Love Relationship

It was after having spent a rather odd evening in a night club during which a psychic predicted for me in 2017 as far as romance is concerned a disastrous future, that I contacted Louise Dollin so as to begin a deeper work about my love life.

Approaching thirty was triggering thoughts and reflections as 2016 was drawing to a close. My prolonged seven-year celibacy, interspersed with brief cock-and-bull encounters, was regularly confronted by this feminine desire for foundation, anchorage, and being in a relationship. Four years of transgenerational therapy had led me nevertheless to figure out the crux of the problem, without however, having the means to make concrete changes.

After several email exchanges formulating the framework for my request and defining the most appropriate approach to it in order to understand the ins and outs of my repetitive patterns in relationship, I received Louise’s Tarot reading. I would have never thought the reading would lead me where it did.

As with most families, mine has its own intermingling singular stories, its load of secrets, taboos, and unspoken words. As Louise formulated it at the beginning of my reading: “We are built on our parents’ life experiences, grand-parents, great grand-parents, etc… and our past lives as well. All those things have imprinted our existences with scorching irons that haven’t been cleared, haven’t been resolved, left in suspense, which are present like ghosts at the core of our psyche, whose mechanism is very much locked, since it’s the way we can indeed live, without having the memory of all these traumas in our consciousness.”

My family secret is woven around my mother’s birth. My grand-mother got pregnant in 1954 from a man whose identity is a taboo subject. When she was born, my mother was sent to a public foster home, then later was reintegrated within her own family by her grand-mother Adele, who hid her for several years amongst her twelve children, under the name of the little girl from DDASS. [The equivalent of a government children’s home in Australia or HHS Office in the US.] Louise underlines in her reading that it is obvious “[my] mother, rejected because of her father, would strongly imprint [my] subconscious mind,” and Louise adds later, that my emotional inheritance “goes against [my] personal power. It’s comparable to a clash within [myself].”

When she was pregnant with me, my mother had the desire to know who her father was. My grand-mother was a quite inhibited person, didn’t speak much, exuding a feeling of permanent uneasiness. A name was pronounced. My mother immediately blanked it out. She never remembered it.

Perhaps the fact I was in my mother’s belly when she questioned her father’s identity created in me the incessant obsession to know the name of that man. The many researches I did led me to think that in reality, my grand-mother was abused my someone from her (my) own family and that would be this trauma held in secret since two generations and soon to be three.

Taboos

This man I consider as my secret grand-father was named Albert. He was one of my grand-mother’s sister’s husband. He was madly in love with my grand-mother, but she always told us how much she hated him. Perhaps, as Louise’s reading suggested, she desired him “without admitting it, which could explain her ongoing state of nervousness.” This was a social, ethical and familial nonsense to desire your sister’s husband and on top of that to have a child with him. As a matter of fact, it was an impossible relationship. This man would have had, the year preceding my mother’s birth, a daughter who died as an infant. My mother has the same initials than hers. My mother could have been a replacement child.

After the reading, it was clear that my relationships with men gravitate around the pattern of this missing, elusive, hidden taboo grand-father. Louise developed and pointed out with accuracy three recurrent themes within my love life: nonsense, corresponding to the image of my grand-parents’ in a none-couple situation, impossibility within the relationship and rejection, linked to my grand-mother’s dismissal of her daughter: my mother. If all my relationships start off with lightness, at least apparently so, they always end in the same way: when the time has come to go further and really build something with a man, either he disappears or he leaves me for someone else. I am being replaced!

I asked Louise to do this reading at a very important and ritual time of the year, the time of one of my solitary pilgrimages. At each change of season I go walking for about ten days, always departing from home by foot toward a town which is in resonance with me at the time. This time-space out of the routine of daily life, like an archaic form of freedom and nomadism, connects me to my utmost elementary needs. They are for me a precious time during which I reflect and replenish myself.

My first pilgrimage which leads the first “dance” of all the others was in 2015. I went by foot to my grand-mother’s village in Charentes-Maritimes, where she used to live in the fifties, when she fell pregnant with my mother.

Reims

During those uncharted pilgrimages which speaks from within, everything is meaningful. At least, it’s easier to grasp the meaning of things than in daily life with its multiple requests, actions and interferences.

So, I went walking in spring 2017, Louise’s reading with me, toward the city of Reims. (Martine lives in Paris, France. Just to give you an idea, there are 160 kilometers - over 99 miles - between those two cities.) From the start, the road turned out to be very difficult, as it had never been before. Each morning, I was getting up, starting my walk, exhausted, telling myself “you are going to die.” My feet were hurting so much, which had never happened before either. They were covered with blisters. Every step of this pilgrimage was connecting me to my painful roots.

During the first few days, I was doing the inner work Louise had recommended me to do, a sort of ritual which suited well the rhythm of my walk. I talked to my inner child, my “little one”, and I found within the little angry, explosive and volcanic girl I was.

In my childhood, I was constantly defensive with men. It was impossible for my father to touch me. I was excessively authoritarian with my brother, and I continued with my very first boyfriend with whom I was almost tyrannical. One day he even told my father I was “macho”… that shows to say! Louise’s reading brought that to light for me, to feel secure in a relationship I had to be the man. Except that my man, the real one, always ends up leaving because he doesn’t have a place any longer.

Those memories needed to be cleared. So, the first few days, I stepped to the beat of the Ho’oponopono prayer that Louise opened me to.

No Go Through Road

The road is always astonishing in its subtle ways to combine the outer environment with the inner journey. When I was working on the nonsense, I was going round in circles for hours. The map was showing a non-existing path. I was taking a path which was real but was going nowhere. After turning “mad”, I understood what the situation was telling me. I smiled.

Then, the road accentuated the theme of impossibility. There, it became really funny, in the middle of the road, suddenly there was a wall! Along with a sign: “No go through road.”!!

I started to get a little bit worried by the thought of what was going to happen when I would meet the feeling of rejection… I crossed then another pilgrim, which is fairly rare, because I go through uncharted territories and I even sometimes open a path myself. I asked her many questions, happy to have some walking company. She ignored my questions, going her way and barely saying hello. That night, I slept in a convent held by Polish nuns. I was strongly experiencing again the same feeling of rejection which invades my relationships. The circumstances I crossed accentuated the three themes linked to my love life revealed in Louise’s reading in a palpable and tangible way.

Those situations make me smile today, but in the moment, I was really angry. Yes, the little girl was really really angry. When I opened the door to let her free, I gave vent to a flow of insults, cries, tears during several days… I spoke ill of my ancestors and the living beings. I felt as if I had let go of a pit-bull!

In her reading, Louise had suggested I do a ritual in order to recognize my grand-father, the secret one, the missing one who didn’t recognize my mother; I could help repair the connection by giving him his place. I decided to do the ritual in a superb Cistercian abbey from the XII century where I was going to stop before getting to Reims.

Abbey

Up to the last moment, the road toward that ritual was evenly matching up to the most incredible adventurous novel. The last section of the road, the one to the abbey was strewn with very tall grass, almost impassable in some places, brimming with all kinds of insects, which seemed to enjoy a particular proximity with my own person… I understood what was embodied here, it was the fact that I was taking an uncommon path. Exactly what I was going to do that evening with the ritual.

Indeed, no one else I know of attempted to rehabilitate the missing men within my family. What I understood, thanks to Louise’s reading, is that pattern started before my grand-father. I presume the knot of all those stories got woven around my great great grand-father Leo, who died very young, leaving behind my great great grand-mother raising their twelve children, he too, needed to be rehabilitated. My grand-mother also didn’t have a father.

As a matter of fact, to survive and help the women of my tree, I had identified my role as the gardian of those betrayed and dishonored women of my family and it was this gardian who was applying the brakes on my way to this ritual. This was the reason why each day was an exhausting test, a struggle to move forward. I was having a real conflict of loyalty toward them, and I was striving all heartily to become a perfect “man” for all those women who didn’t have one, so that I could help in a certain way to repair their story….

L'Empereur

“The presence of the Emperor as an identity arcana in [my] Path of Life underlines the role I have to play in relationship to this grand-father.” This idea of rehabilitating my grand-father had never crossed my mind. It’s Louise who pointed me in that direction, by offering me a different way of looking at those repetitive failures with my love relationships: “At a very deep subconscious level, you are attempting to rehabilitate this grand-father within your lineage. (…) And it’s where you will have to work in order to free yourself so that you can meet other types of men who could be different from this grand-father who leaves, who is not there, who goes and looks elsewhere (…) This, it’s the other tendency of the pattern, which is yours. Subconsciously you are trying to give back to your grand-father his nobility, because, subconsciously you owe him your life. And this is where the repair can occur.”

I performed the ritual on the 27th of May 2017. That day, I recognized my grand-father. I made a place for him in my lineage. In my abbey cell, the ambiance was sacred, like a birth.

The next day after that ritual, as I was walking repeating the Ho’oponopono prayer to take care of my inner child who was finally able to breathe again without that gardian’s anger, I burst into tears. They were coming from so far! so far! Like a sobbing child, I cried for over an hour. I was crying so hard it began to rain even though a minute before the sky was perfectly blue over my head. It was crazy, and as I arrived in Reims a massive storm broke. Even the weather forecast was linked to my inner energy.

The inner child image help me a lot. A lot, a lot. I take care of her now, I know she is there, I know her pains, I listen to my “little one”.

Path

In eight days, I crossed several periods of time, generations, territories… it was a real vortex. The last day, everything came back to the present time with those big tears. The work I did opened me to a form of lucidity quite puzzling and powerful: deep conversations and accurate intuitions came out when responding to unknown walkers encountered on the road wondering about themselves; trees changing into human beings; faces appearing through bits of glass embedded in the ground… I started to worry about my mental health at this point. Then, I accepted what I was experiencing: looking beyond the “official version” about my grand-father served by my family since my childhood, really seeing by myself particular sections of my history, and recognizing that the pilgrimage was staging everything of my inner state as a tangible reality…

Today, I am happy to have touched this memory transmitted through an ancestral anger which was suffocating my inner child, this anger which was sucking life out of me. ((“Anger prevents us to feel pain.” Bert Hellinger)

This reading has many layers, I feel its words addressing different bodies and aspects of myself, there is for me a great coherence and a sense of security to be accompanied by Louise’s words through her work. Her interpretations and her takes touch specific places which open me to do deep work. A trueness in action with empathy and benevolence.

Even though numerous securing habits remain to be unravelled, even though there are still traumatic memories to be cleared, I now see myself acting and reacting with more lucidity since this reading which accompanied me all along my pilgrimage. Learning to be myself, freed from my history load, will probably need more time, but I now know the path to follow to reach my goal. I am doing my first steps on it. I sincerely measure this Tarot reading’s impact on my breakthroughs and how the benevolent availability of Louise’s support has been fundamental to allow myself to believe in my capacity to overcome cleavages and unspoken words from past generations.

Martine D. ~ June 2017